"Alone, even doing nothing, you do not waste your time. You do, almost always, in company. No encounter with yourself can be altogether sterile: Something necessarily emerges, even if only the hope of some day meeting yourself again." (E.M. Cioran)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Just Letting The Dust Settle

A week of processing the events outlined in my last post hasn't been easy. I am determined to avoid self-pity but, for some reason, I can't not care about these people. Only thing is that from now on I'll be caring about them from a good distance.
Dad's hateful rant really has changed my thinking. The penny has finally dropped. For way too long, I've been focused on the 'injustice' of how he treats me, somehow thinking that 'if he could only get to know me and the person I am, he will accept me and love me ('get' me) - like all fathers unconditionally love their daughters, right?' Wrong! I now realise with crystal clarity that many people are simply not capable of liking their children - particularly those children who share a different world view, or don't capitulate to the demands (or massage the ego) of a parent. Apparently, it's not that uncommon, but there's nothing I can do about it. Actually, I can only feel sorry for Dad, because he has shown himself up to be (yet another) pathetic narcissist and it is obviously beyond his control. Therefore, I am beginning to forgive him, but will never forget (and need no more reminders!) the extent of his animosity towards me. I'm moving on and every day becomes easier, as I train my mind bit by bit to stop the internal conversation with him.

Currently, I'm taking time out to do things I've been putting off - cataloguing my music collection on the 'Discogs' data base, for example. I finally had Gertie's nails trimmed yesterday. We went on a walking excursion - with her in a box - to the local vet and she's looking very spick and span now.
Music is helping, as always. Currently, I'm enjoying Byetone's new album, 'Symeta' on 'Raster Noton', but I still love 'Plastic Star' - from his earlier (2008) album, 'Death of a Typographer'. Here's a YouTube of the album version (no video here though - just a still image of the album cover.

1 comment:

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